What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 27.06.2025 15:55
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She married twice! .
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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So, i spoilt her more .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I was very sick at this time too.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I will be 64.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I have no regrets .
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All the time i was locked up.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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And i lived it daily.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
(And it was in our own minds.)
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My life is so biszare .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I could never make a relationship work though!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
We were not on the streets..
She loved him until the end.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He knew the spot.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I was 9 years of age.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Put me off passion for life!!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Would this be the day?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But it wasn’t much.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
What did i know ?
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She was in good health!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was scared of men, in general
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She found it foreign!.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So whats the point in blame.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I don,t even have a pension.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He was dying to do it , i knew.